Super (S)hero Spotlight: Judy

“The women I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way
because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it.
They handled it a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it.
 Those women are my superheroes.”
 -Elizabeth Gilbert

When my husband and I made the decision to relocate outside of California in 2007, we had our sights set on moving to the Pacific Northwest. After securing an in-person interview at a desirable company in the area, he and I flew up for a couple of days to explore the area. The plan was that while he was interviewing with his potential new employer, the company would pair me with a realtor to help acquaint us with the housing options. The realtor I was paired with was Judy.

My first meeting with Judy was outside our hotel. She rolled up into the valet area in her black Lexus and hopped out of her enthusiastically. With her blonde hair flying in the wind and her red lipstick shining brightly against her big smile - she came over and shook my hand. I could tell immediately that this woman was sharp. She was a native of the area and had several properties lined up that day to show me in a variety of neighborhoods. Everything was printed up and notated. She was organized. She was professional. And she knew her shit. We left the hotel and spent the day cruising around and talking through what we wanted in a home, a neighborhood and a potential new life outside California.

As it turned out, my husband got a job offer from that company and shortly after - we packed up our entire life and moved to Washington. We were put up in temporary housing until we were able to find the perfect new home. Months later we found ourselves still in temporary housing. Several offers had fallen through on our home in California and we had to wait for it to sell before we could purchase something in Washington. As we witnessed our favored properties in Washington leaving the market, and new ones entered - Judy and I would set a date to cruise around periodically checking out the new listings. We spent hours talking in the car. She helped me see the possibilities and weigh the pros and cons at each property. Her enthusiasm never wavered despite the fact that we had no idea when we would finally be in a position to buy. Every once in a while she would say, “I need a cookie. Let’s stop for a cookie, Cara.” And we would pull over at whatever was nearby for a treat. It made the discouraging situation a little bit sweeter.

During the holidays that year, her two daughters came home from college. They would ride along with her and wave to us from the car while we toured more homes. We were still looking to find the perfect home and she would bring them along with her just so she could spend every moment with them. I could tell that her girls were important to her. But just as important to her was her job and her clients -  and she wasn’t going to let me miss out on finding the perfect house. Judy was good people.

As soon as our California home sold, we got serious and shifted gears from our targeted area to expand the search. By some miracle, the home we had been looking for that checked all the boxes (and then some) was part of that expanded area. It had a price drop and came into range for us that week. It was kismet. It was our dream home and Judy was there to spring into action. We were finally at home at last.

As the class act that she had always been throughout the home search process, she continued that by bringing us beautiful housewarming gifts after our sale closed and we were moving in. Again, being transplants and not knowing many people - she took note of that and she stayed in touch with me. A lunch here, a text there, a phone call when we both had the time. Judy became a part of our new life here.

At one point, I went to visit Judy at her own home. Pictures of her with her girls and her siblings adorned the walls. It was beautifully decorated. It was warm and inviting… just like her. When I went to use the restroom, there was a framed needlepoint on the wall that said, “I choose joy.”  Simple. To the point. The best choice and it was all you needed to know. That was Judy. She made her choice and it was to live life to the fullest.

A few years later when I began my fertility journey, Judy shared her story and reminded me there was hope. Judy had not only had fertility challenges of her own but she was twice divorced and had raised her girls as a single mom for most of their lives. She was strong. She was independent. She was a super mom.

As the seasons of life have continued to change, Judy has been there alongside me. She was there to lift me up and share the joy when I finally was able to get pregnant. As my own mom couldn’t be there, Judy was the one that came to the hospital to meet and hold my babies. When I was going through the struggles of being a new mom, she would say - “Call me. I will be there. Anytime. You go play and take a break.” These were the hard years. The years with no sleep. The years when you don’t know what you are doing and once you figure it out… it changes. When I got quiet, she would just text me and say, “What day am I coming this week to help you?” There was no hesitation. It was not a question but her showing up because she could tell I needed her. She provided relief and sanity to me when I needed it most and she became “Grandma Judy” to my boys.

Judy would get in there with my kids and had no fear. She would play and rough house with them. She would whisk them away on adventures all over Seattle. They would come home over sugared from all the treats she spoiled them with and tired out but most importantly - they were happy. But make no mistake, as much as Judy was the fun grandma, she also had high standards and I loved that about her. She had no tolerance for bad manners and you showed her respect no matter what. While she is one of the most trendy, energetic and hands-on grandmas I have ever met - she also maintains a presence that is unwavering.

Judy is a straight shooter and extremely professional in her work life - she is also one of the funniest people I know. Every once in a while, a zinger just flies out of her mouth. Being single since I had met her, she finally decided to get out there and start dating again. The beauty that she is (and looking much younger than her biological age), she had a lot of suitors. But she was careful to weed out the ones that she had no spark with. At one point, she stood in my kitchen recounting an experience with her current interested suitor. She thought he had potential but said, “Cara, I just don’t want to f*ck him. You know?” I nearly spit out my drink. That’s Judy. No nonsense. She is who she is. She knows what she wants. She will not settle. Even when I asked her if I could use her real name in this piece, she said, “Of course you can use my real name. My Witness Protection program has timed out!” Again, so so funny.

If you are fortunate to be part of Judy’s inner circle, she loves her people hard. From her girls and siblings, to her friends and eventually when she found the love of her life, George. She is there for her people and shows up for them. You know how much you mean to her because she shows you. I am lucky to be part of her tribe.

Years later, Judy’s daughters had their own babies and today she is now a grandmother to 5 of her own grandkids. But still she remains Grandma Judy to my boys too. She never forgets to send a card to them for every holiday and every birthday - always with some cold, hard cash in it. When my boys see the Grandma Judy cards that arrive in the mail, they know. It’s the good stuff. Every once in a while a box of donuts or a bag of cookies shows up on the front porch. She just flies by and sprinkles a little bit of joy and keeps going. Judy’s thoughtfulness and generosity is unmatched. She remembers the important dates but I also know that when I am in a jam - I can pick up the phone and she will be there in a heartbeat. That’s the kind of friend she is.

Judy has been like a mom to me since we arrived here in Washington. She has witnessed what I have gone through slowly losing my own mom to dementia over the last 11+ years. She fills that void with love, wisdom, support and as noted above many times - joy.

So here is a little bit of wisdom from this wonderful and amazing woman. Enjoy!

In Her Own Words

Do you have a mantra or piece of wisdom that you use as a moral compass? What is it and where did it originate from?
The Golden Rule, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” always comes to mind. Simple but covers just about any area of life.  My parents used that a lot.  Could have been that they had 4 kids who were always ‘tangling’ with one another, and it seemed appropriate then as it has throughout the ages, eh?!  

Also – Karma is a Bitch!  A friend of mine said that to me a long time ago when I was mean to her in junior high school.  Wow – made an impression with me.  Didn’t have a clue what it meant, til I asked my mom about it when I got home. Could have spared myself that lecture had Google been around.  You could never just get an answer from parents back then without first having them ask about context!

What advice or wisdom do you wish your 20-year-old self-had and why?
Realize you’re perfect just the way you are.  Think about the long game.  Understand that you’re learning and don’t have to have all the answers.  Slow down.  I was so anxious to get out there and be independent that maturity, self-awareness and confidence had a hard time catching up. Had dreams but not the confidence needed to act upon them.  Go for it.   

Wish I would have understood that failure is the best way to learn stuff instead of beating myself up because I failed.  You can easily start keeping everything inside to protect yourself from other’s judgement.  Your 20’s are when you learn about yourself, outside of your family unit or parental guidance, and what you want don’t want and if you can take care of yourself by yourself.  No need to rush any of that.  Use that decade of ‘firsts’ to  become wiser, stronger, healthier, and thoughtful as you really hit adulthood.   Play, become proud that you can take care of yourself, fail and learn how to bounce back, travel, laugh, take a load off but AFTER college is over of course!!

What life event changed the course of your life and why? What wisdom did you receive by experiencing this?
Having children!  Nothing in my lifetime taught me more about life, love, myself or my ability to do anything I set my mind to.  I became super-human (like you).  Nothing was going to get in the way of my kids receiving the best of me, or seeing the worst of me, learning to love themselves, their family, having great experiences, or seeing them through the worst of them, exposing them to all possibilities and not letting my feelings get in their way as them learned to make decisions for themselves (going away to college was encouraged), helping them understand that the two of them are a team (even when it meant they stood together against me to support one another) as they would be a team long past my lifetime.  I’ve had great jobs, wonderful romantic relationships, true friendships a super family that I'm grateful to still have my sister and brother, and amazing travel experiences that were an education in and of itself, throughout the world; BUT .....nothing surpasses how I feel about who I am and how I truly learned what love is just by being Molly and Sam’s mom!!!! 

What is the most important piece of wisdom that you ever received from someone else and why?
Work hard first, play harder after.  You reap the seeds you plant.  I have tremendous work and pride of ownership ethics. We got this from our mom and dad. Family always comes first.  It’s not how much you have, but how much it counts.   

Really, I had a great childhood (except maybe the eating disorder I developed as I was made to finish my meals - another story – starving kids in China don’t ya know).  Control is overrated and in most cases a reflection of the controller’s problem and not yours!  

What is the piece of wisdom that you most share with others?
You can find a way to have it all!  There is magic in the spark (George always comes to mind) wait for it and trust that it will ease you over any relationship's bad spots .  Don’t settle for fitting in – you were born to stand out as they say!  You can do anything with the right people by your side.  Don’t stop believing in what impact you can make – share yourself; even the bad stuff.  

Final Thoughts

Today, 18+ years later after our new life began in the Pacific Northwest, Judy continues to be there for me during all of life’s ups and downs. Judy’s presence in my life reminds me of the strength within all of us and that no matter what - always choose joy.

Judy, I love you so much. Thank you for being there for me no matter what. Now let’s go get a cookie.