How Gayle Got Her Groove Back
In May of this year, I received the imaginary “Remission” stamp on my medical file. It punctuated the end of that chapter in my life - thankfully. In the months that have followed, I have found new ways to return to my former self and regain the strength I lost - physically, mentally and in spirit. It has not been an easy road but with each passing day - I have tried to regain what my tumor and Cushing’s Disease robbed me of during the many months prior.
It’s hard to say if being ill and going through such a huge life event led me to a big epiphany or taught me some big life lesson. That part still remains unclear to me. But it gave me the gift of perspective, raised my standards for myself and pointed me down some new roads that I would not have taken otherwise. With each path that I took, I gleaned a bit of wisdom. So I guess if I were to add them all up, that would equal one big takeaway.
What I know for sure, is that I army crawled my way back to myself and I couldn’t be more proud of where I ended up. There were many roadblocks along the way but just in the last few months I finally feel whole again - as if the final missing puzzle pieces were found in some unknown hiding place and added back to my soul. It has been an incredible feeling to take back what I temporarily lost.
So how did I know where to begin? The honest answer is… I didn’t. What I did know though was that I didn’t want to feel like I did for the two years leading up to my diagnosis and surgery and I sure as hell didn’t want to feel like I did after my tumor was removed and I was on that hideous course of steroids. Knowing that, I guess you could say that it was sheer determination that brought me back. Bit by bit until it added up to one whole person again. The logical place to start seemed to be exactly where I was at that moment - rock bottom. I decided to start there and build myself back up. And so another journey began for me and it started with three words…
Rebuild. Reconnect. Reimagine.
Rebuild:
Start with the Bare Minimum:
A few weeks after my surgery, when reality set in that I would not be back on my feet and feeling good anytime soon - I remember looking around my house and thinking - I just can’t. I just can’t do all the things. I felt too terrible, too weak and my type-A, list making personality was completely deflated. My sister reminded me that I do more than most people do all day before 8:00 a.m. That statement became a wake up call that maybe in that moment my standard for myself was too high. But for the first time in my life, I had limitations. I had to remind myself that I was doing my best. Hopefully this would not be the new normal but a temporary normal. The key word being temporary. After I mentally readjusted my expectations, I came up with my new standard - “the bare minimum.”
While I know the bare minimum means different things to different people - to me that meant the following: 1. Everyone in my family was fed and there was food in the refrigerator. 2. Everyone had clean sheets and towels each week. 3 All of the household bills and expenses were paid on time. And 4. Everyone got to where they needed to be each day. That was it. Who cared if there were dishes in the sink, a pile of papers on the counter, dust on several surfaces and it was a hot mess in the garage. The bare minimum was all I could handle and so that became the standard for many weeks until I mastered that level of stamina and could tackle the next level. It worked well and my tired, foggy brain began not to see the piles of clutter around the house and the projects that were mounting up - but reveled in the completion of what I actually could do.
Take back my morning routine:
The next phase was to take back my morning routine. My morning practice has long been the backbone for how I measure my success each day. A friend of mine says her grandmother used to say, “Hope comes in the morning.” I love that idea because it rings so true to me. I revel in the quiet of the morning where anything is possible in the day ahead. Pre-Cushings and even during the diagnosis stage, I was up at 5:00 a.m. every day to workout, take care of the dog, make my coffee and enjoy a quiet breakfast before the rest of the household was awake. I would write my lists, text my inner circle of other early risers and set my intentions for the day. I rarely would break this routine because I believe that if I start the day by doing something for myself, no matter what else comes my way - I can handle it. It is my time.
Post surgery, things were completely off. I was physically ill from my steroids. My sleep patterns were interrupted and/or I was a complete insomniac. I overslept a lot and I had no strength nor did I have the desire to workout or even get out of bed most days. But as the fog began to clear and I started to feel better I realized how much I missed that morning routine. So again, I recognized this desire for a glimmer of normalcy and one day - I started setting my alarm to 5:00 a.m. again. I can’t say it was easy at first but after a while, it became a habit again. I modified my workouts to meet myself where I was at and bit by bit, day by day - I was finding my way back to myself.
Reconnect:
Surround yourself with positive and supportive people:
Going through such a long illness shifted my perspective in two ways. One, I discovered a new level of compassion and empathy for others that are struggling with an illness. I was one of the fortunate ones. I achieved the highest reward - remission. Not everyone is that lucky. Although my illness stretched out far longer than expected, it was still a short period of time compared to so many others with chronic or terminal diseases. My pain and suffering was a fraction of what I saw others around me experiencing. I took note of what support I needed when I was sick. I recognized what words and gestures were the most helpful to me. As soon as I was back on my feet - I vowed to pay it forward when I was able to. I have done my best to keep that promise.
The second thing I realized during this time was that some people show up for you and some people don’t. Sadly, there were people that I felt like I had been there for during a time of need and unfortunately it wasn’t reciprocated when it was my turn. This was a huge wake up call for me. While not all of them deserved to be edited out of my life completely because of their own situation or ability to provide support - I did take note. Where it was appropriate and important to me, I expressed this to them in hopes that they were able to realize and recognize that I was hurt. It was not always well received but the fact that I expressed how I was feeling instead of just letting it fester was a huge growth moment for me.
On a more positive note, I found love, support and empathy in unexpected places. There were people that I did not consider to lean on that came out of the woodwork to provide unwavering support. New friendships blossomed and old ones deepened. I reconnected with friends that I had lost touch with that reached out after experiencing their own illness to lift me up. I also gained a few new members of my inner circle and my “5:00 A.M. Club” and it strengthened my support system. I outwardly expressed my adoration for these special souls - as that kind of love I have realized is very rare and precious.
Reimagine:
Take a chance & try something new:
When the fog that I had felt from my disease and the lingering effects of the steroids wore off, I was ready to start living life again. It made me want to live it even bigger and fuller than before. I wasn’t sure what that meant at first but I knew I would seize the opportunity when it presented itself.
When a dear friend came to me and asked me to be a guest on her podcast as a guest before surgery, I was unable to fathom doing that during that time. However, after surgery when I started to feel like myself again, I reached back out and booked a recording date with her. It was somewhat terrifying but it made me push myself to experience something that I had not before.
When another longtime friend offered to take me out and teach me how to paddle board for the first time, again I was slightly apprehensive. One day though, I got the courage to set a date. Once I got my bearings out there and accepted that I may not be great at it, I found that I let go, loved it and may have found a lifelong hobby. My illness taught me that life is short. Once in a while you do need to take a chance. Sometimes you just have to try something with an open heart and enjoy the ride no matter how it turns out. (Thank you Wendy & Jenn!)
Do something that makes you feel like yourself again - even if you don’t think you’re ready:
Lastly, I have tried to go back to doing the things I love - even when I didn’t think I was physically and/or mentally ready. Much like my morning routine, pushing myself to do these things just made me feel whole and normal again. Recently, I have done things like book a photo session with my favorite photographer so I could document my new self. I started baking again and cared less about if it turned out perfect and more about enjoying the practice of doing something that I love. When asked, I accepted a volunteer position to be on the House Corporation Board for my college sorority. It helped me connect with my past and help preserve a long tradition that is important to me. I also booked a few trips to reconnect with many people I had not seen in a very long time. Seeing them has filled my bucket and reminded me of all the love that I have in my life - both near and far.
Final Thoughts
It is always interesting to me that I am able to stumble onto the perfect tidbit of inspiration at the just the right time. Once again, I found that Morgan Harper Nichols’ How Far You Have Come offered up yet another quote to summarize my state of mind in this moment.
“Listen to the story of the grass beneath your feet.
Shout your name louder than before.
Your journey may have acres of confusion,
but for every step you take, your wisdom will grow all the more.”
-Morgan Harper Nichols, How Far You Have Come
It’s good to be back.
